Burning Ache

April 2012...

I will board a plane to the country of Guatemala to love, serve, and learn from the beautiful people of Buena Vista. I simply cannot explain my excitement to go. Our church, particularly our student ministry, has been involved with serving a community in Guatemala for over two years now. Much to my disappointment, this will be my first trip over there. However, God has a route for all of us and this is my time to go.

The ministry there consist of a few branches: 1) building homes for the poor, 2) loving on the people through physical means such as a simple hug, a basket of food, or purchasing a horse for a family's business and 3) a brand new boys sports academy where the purpose is to teach boys what it is to be a godly and educated man, so that the long battle of poverty both physically and spiritually may be defeated in this upcoming generation! Praise God!

I want more. More in the depths of my spirit. I'm stuck in a rut. A rut of American routine. More specifically beyond the typical do good American Christian routine. I feel like a hamster.... peddling my way through the boring 8-5 weekly routine begging for just one more extra hour to both find time away to be still and undistracted with Him and also to go, go serve and love.

Frustrated. I'm frustrated with wanting to get out and find, do, go and be more. Its like the routine is a monster that gobbles you down and you cannot seem to find your grip to climb out of his rotten, slimy gut.

Oh how I eagerly await April 2012. Yet, I have this awkward patience...(I say awkward because I'm not very patient and also I have such a deep desire to go)....awkward patience at the moment as 5 months span between now and then. Because not only am I eagerly aware and expecting that God is and will do great things there...I feel and know He will and has to do some things in me before. What that may be I don't know. Simply growing my heart for this people and spending time with Him about these people may be it, or it may be much more. Only He knows.

I'm reading a book entitled "Kisses from Katie". Its a beautiful story told of a young lady all of 22 years of age who left home at the age of 18 for Uganda. She now calls Uganda home where she is raising her 14 adopted children and running a large full time nonprofit ministry that reaches hundreds of children!

A running theme in her book is an ache. An ache to love and serve those less fortunate. And ache to love her 14 girls. And ache for the people and their well being. An ache to humbly do as her God has called her. She has such a discontent with her former American life and ways of abundance. She has such a bold and eager faith, its truly encouraging and only intensifies the ache in my own heart for more.

I do know that this ache of more, is more of God and His plan. Details. Oh yes, those who know me all know that I like details. However, I don't know what the details of this more includes or where obtaining this more may lead me....but its not here in my little room or even at my favorite little table at Starbucks....hence my current daily patterns.

And why do I mention Guatemala amidst me wanting more, no I'm not saying I'm going to go on a mission trip and never come home...well unless that's where He leads me. (Calm down Mom, just saying I'll go where He leads :)). First, its been a burning desire to go there and serve for two years now...I can't wait to meet so many people I already know by name from stories, pictures and videos shared by friends who have already gone! Second, I am fully aware of the joy and blessings one receives when serving our God outside of our daily routines and I'm busting at the seams to get out! Third, its my only clear detail/vision of escaping this daily routine I'm in and I can't get it off my mind or heart! So lets go!

So this blog may seem a bit jumbled and incomplete...that's just where I am now amidst my burdens, heart and burning ache.

And very soon I will blog more about my upcoming trip to Guatemala as I desire your prayers greatly and if you feel led your support financially as I seek to raise the funds require to go.

to be continued...

http://www.bvboys.com/

http://www.deepstreamguatemala.com/





I cannot wait to meet the famlies and children of Buena Vista, Guatemala!

Love is...

This is something I wrote over a year ago...

Love is not a fairy tale, for fairy tales are far to simple and pretty. Oh yes I want the fairy tale, its a desire of my small beating heart. But as I grow and stumble my way through life I'm learning with every step...and fall, that love is much more complicated than a simple little fairy tale.

Love is deep. Love is messy. Love is blinding. Love is beautiful. Love is hurt. Love is grace. Love is tears. Love is easy. Love is difficult. Love is not one, two or even three dimensional, its much more than that.

Love is love. There isn't a single word to define love.

Have I loved? Oh yes, I've loved. I've felt, given, seen, received, and been stripped of love. I've experienced love. How? The list could go on forever and I know there will be more love to come on my journey. But a peak into the window of my heart and the love I've experienced...

A mother's love. This love is a multi dimensional love. Its patient, unconditional, sacrificial, supportive, and more. All of this I've received from the heart, hands, and words of my mother. Most recently I've seen this love reflected in my sister and the love for her children. To have watched her grow, learn, fight, laugh and fall through the years and now shine like a start as a mother. I've experienced love by watching her with her precious children.

A friend's love. This love stretches time and distance for those few special people that are given to us for more than a season, but for a lifetime. This love is felt over the phone, even after not speaking or seeing one another for months at a time, yet it feels just like yesterday. A supportive and encouraging love through both laughter and tears.

An intimate love. I walked in those doors for a time. It was adventurous, uplifting, butterflies in my tummy and moments that were literally breath taking. A feeling where all you want to do is give and serve that person with all you have. However, sometimes those feelings aren't matched and as the songwriter puts it "your heart feels like paper, a Valentine that's been torn in to pieces." I've heard it said you can fall in love with the wrong person, so I made that mistake. However, I walked away knowing I loved deep and wholly, beyond what I imagined could exist. Now I find myself healing, learning and growing so I can be all I am now and more for the day I can love again.

An unmatchable love. There is a love that has never, ever failed me. The love of my Abba, my God. I can't even begin to grasp His furious love. The deep and powerful love of a mother, friend and lover are just fractions of glimmers of His unimaginable love. His love is what keeps you breathing, what gives you the strength and soul to love...He is love. Love doesn't exist without Him. Feeling, which is only part of love, doesn't exist without Him. How? How can one live this life without opening their heart up to His love. I couldn't.

LOVE...

Worthless Fighting

Fighting on our own is
exhausting...
depressing...
endless...
painful...

worthless...

We can only look to Him in our battle! I hate fighting on my own, but all to often from big to small battles we think we can just step up to the ring all alone...of the relief, peace, joy, comfort and more when we Look to Him instead of worthlessly fighting on our own.

Here is an awesome line in the bridge of this song:

Defeat is calling

I need you to set me free

Take me far away from the battle

I need you to shine on me!!!!

I've never heard this song sung better nor with such heart! And her testimony is beautiful. Listen to Selah's version of this song below:

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP2IzErAQPs&NR=1

The Altar

Repeat.

I've had this song on repeat for over a week now. It's simply pure and beautiful. It's inviting and healing. And as I sing it over and over I can't help but sing this with some people in mind that I beg would release their pain and frustration and come rest and cry at the altar.

"The Altar" lyrics...

There is a place, a place I've found
Not made of earth, not made of stone
This place is sacred, this place is secret
Here in the presence of a Holy God
Here in the presense of a Holy God

Come to this place, come seek His face
Find the hands of forgiveness
Look in the eyes of grace
Run to redemption with tears of joy and pain
Let fire fall and purify our hearts
Come to the altar, come to His arms

There's a place, a place of healing
There is no shame within your scars
This place is sacred, this place is secret
Here in the presence of a Holy God
Here in the presence of a Holy God

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God

Come to this place, Come seek His face
Find the hands of forgiveness
Look in the eyes of grace
Run to redemption with tears of joy and pain
Let fire fall and purify our hearts
Come to the altar, come to His arms

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTPPI_-GvfY

"Give Me Faith"

This song was performed this past week at camp at the Student Showcase! Its beautiful and expressions brokeness and our need for Him in our weak flesh!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4itaN5MhBF0

Faith Like a Child...Like a Little Asian Child

I noticed her sweet little Asian face as soon as she walked in. She's down visiting her grandmother for the summer. I immediately said hello and shared a big smile while her.

And if you know me at all...you know I want to adopt a little girl from China so that makes this story so much sweeter.

I spoke with her grandmother for a few minutes and as I assumed she was adopted from China! Her grandmother said she was aware and completely cool with the fact and knowledge she was adopted. After small talk and me getting all excited I excused myself to go sit with little Asia (we'll use that name to guard her real name).

Asia was beautiful. She content working in her language arts workbook as I approached her...which she later told me she hated that book, haha. Within one to two minutes of our conversation her query of who I was and my purpose in chatting was gone. Little Asia became an open book. A little Chatty Cathy of sorts! We talked about school, celebrating the Chinese new year, the wintery weather up north, who we were going to marry (haha, she was a hoot!), her favorite uncle....and so much more. This little girl popped from one page to the next, sharing her story. Before I knew it we were onto pages of hurt, fear, and struggles. She started bringing up dark things she's experienced with her family (all of which I don't feel comfortable sharing so publicly on this blog). She mentioned rough memories on and off that broke my heart. (And when I state her family and memories its all of her American family, she was adopted very, very young). She asked if my parents were divorced and so maturely stated "Yeah, I knew my parents would divorce. I don't know how to tell the future or anything but you know how you just know things?". Did I mention this little girl was only about 10 years old? So, then we were on to making forts with sheets, pillows and kitchen table chairs with grandpa......However, grandpa had died just a over a year ago she blurted out. She turned and looked across the room to where her grandmother was and stated, "Yeah, my grandma still has a hard time with it and I mean I wish he was here too, but he's dead."

I sat in awe of the openness of this little girl's heart and thoughts. She first captured my attention because she was a little adopted asian girl...but then she captured my heart for more reasons and retaught me a lesson I can never get enough of....To have faith like a child.

Just as that little girl so easily, quickly...and most astonding, so unasmadly...expressed the joys and the broken pieces of her precious heart....so Jesus wants us to open up to Him, sharing all our brokeness, laughs, frustrations, desires and more! He already know them, but the beautiful peace and relationship that comes with opening up to Him is beyond words.

Thank you little Asia for your lesson, your reminder to fall to my knees as my Father's little faithful daughter.

Joy! Joy! Joy!

I remember about a year ago after hearing a sermon on joy, my friend and I repeatedly ran about saying "Joy! Joy! Joy!" all week long! It was our attitude to every little bother or hinderance....just smash it down with Joy!

Joy...what is it? I have a friend named Joy who's creative, sweet, seeks Jesus and is beautiful. But what is joy?


I've heard it said before that joy is not mere happiness. Happiness is much simplier than joy. Happines merely comes from a feeling of excitment that is dependant upon positive and ideal circumstances...therefore it can evaporate in just seconds.

Joy can be and is felt, but it is more than a feeling. For feelings come and go just as the wind....changing directions, light, absent, strong, comforting and more. So joy is not a feeling.

Joy is a state of the heart, more specific state of the soul.

Over the past month or so I've found myself mulling over joy in my life...in the midst of pretty much every area of my life...work, singleness, family, struggles, stalled dreams and more. Looking through the eyes of my flesh and its emotions, its easy to miss the joy that exist in it all. I found when you really sit down and make yourself ask "Where is the joy in this situation?" even the tought situations...then you always see it, I mean its not been hiding! It's always there.

Joy can be overlooked, smoothered, and choked out....but it always remains. He always remains. He is the consistent in the inconsistent. He is the strength admist weakness. He is the hope of tomorrow in today. He is the piercing ray in the smog. He is tender in the brutal battle.

Thank you Jesus for giving us continous, unending joy. For being our joy even admist the struggles, dryness, and hardships.